The E. Jean Carroll Trial: Sex and the City Reboot from Hell
The E. Jean Carroll Trial: Sex and the City Reboot from Hell
This season, Carrie, Miranda, and Mr. Big enter the Trumpaverse
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Roberta Kaplan as Miranda
A shape with lion body and the head of a man, a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun.
It was not until Donald Trump’s recent trial in New York ended that I beheld the shape of the Destructor.
Oh no.
I doubt that E. Jean Carroll, who spends time in the woods painting trees blue for fun, would have known to call such a lawyer. For Roberta Kaplan, the law is a stone slab upon which she can butcher and tenderize her enemies.
There she was, militant lesbian LBGTQ activist and bulldog progressive attorney Roberta “Robbie” Kaplan. She emerged from the New York City courtroom in the glare of the national spotlight clutching her bewildered client, Ms. E. Jean Carroll.
(Caroll is the elderly woman who accused Trump of assault in a dressing room, and who once declared “rape is sexy!” on CNN.)
Roberta Kaplan once challenged DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) on behalf of an elderly lesbian and won at the Supreme Court in 2013 and it made her a gay rights hero.
I don’t have to tell you she’s a lesbian. She looks like she fell off the shelf at the Elena Kagan store. A middle-aged Oompa Loompa in a trench coat.
[Ed.— delete above line before she sues me for defamation.]
And her main enemy, her sworn archnemesis for life, is President Trump. She’s even sued him before!
Shas filed a lawsuit under the Ku Klux Klan Act of 1871 against twenty-four neo-Nazi and white supremacist leaders responsible for organizing the racial- and religious-based violence in Charlottesville in August 2017; successfully challenged the City of Starkville’s refusal to allow a LGBT Pride Parade; and sued President Trump, his family, and his business, for defrauding investors in a multi-level marketing scheme linked to a failed telecommunications company. Robbie currently represents Amber Heard in a $50 million defamation lawsuit filed by her ex-husband Johnny Depp.
Kaplan’s got a history of going after Trump. I’d bet a million bucks that she cold-called Carroll’s psychiatrist, got her number, and begged to take this case.
She made a smart bet. This case was about defamation, particulary when Trump said he didn’t rape Carroll because “she’s not my type.”
That is a serious crime, apparently. Kaplan pesuaded all 12 of Donald Trump’s “peers” (LOL) to award Caroll $84 million, $74 million or so more than the recommendation.
And why? Because Robbie Kaplan told the jury that this was their chance to “stop Trump.”
Shockingly, Roberta Kaplan, the Judge and his wife, and Carroll are all longtime anti-Trump haters and Democrat donors.
Of course, when it comes to #MeToo, Democrats don’t apply. After all, she defended Andrew Cuomo from his harrassment accusers!
E. Jean Carroll as Carrie
E. Jean Carroll wrote Elle Magazine’s sex and dating advice column for years, and for lots of glossy mags. I can’t find any of her articles online, but from all accounts she is a good writer! She’s a proto-Carrie Bradshaw, a gal about town, searching for her Mr. Big, writing her sex columns.
She even has a Substack! Here’s the front page:
And yesterday she finally caught President Big, whom she claimed raped her once in a dressing room at Bergdorf’s.
I love E. Jean’s glow up for the trial. She went from escaped mental patient to nice Greenwich grandma in a tasteful bob and belted suits. Roberta should host a makeover show. “Queer Eye for the Straight Plaintiff.”
Reid Hoffman as Mr. Big
I tried to find a more flattering photo of Mr. Hoffman but this was the best I could do.
Carroll somehow assembled a giant dream team of Trump Avengers. Rarely does anyone, in any trial, enjoy this much legal firepower. But with a far-left wing billionaire’s checkbook, anything is possible in America!
Everyone on Team Get Trump was paid by a legal defense fund bankrolled by billionaire Reid Hoffman, who by the way deeply, deeply regrets his visits to Epstein’s island, which drew rich degenerates and pedophiles, a fact that Hoffman must have overlooked.
In September 2023, the Wall Street Journal reported that Hoffman visited Jeffrey Epstein's private island for a weekend in 2014. Hoffman claimed that the purpose of the meeting was to raise funds for the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and that he regretted interacting with Epstein.
LinkedIn co-founder Reid Hoffman funded E. Jean Carroll’s prosecution alleging former President Donald Trump raped her, through a nonprofit group the major Democratic donor backs; now that a jury has found Trump guilty of sexual abuse, some have questioned Hoffman’s role in the process.
Reid Hoffman, of course cares a lot about defending women from rape, which is why he hung around with notorious serial rapist Jeffrey Epstein.
Justice in America means you get to enjoy the pointy end of a vicious cabal of leftwing billionaires who hang around with perverts, LGBTQ attack activists from Harvard, and Biden-loving judges from Harvard waging Total Lawfare against their only political opponent in an election year.
Judge Lewis Kaplan as Charlotte
Okay, he’s not a Charlotte. He’s respected New York Judge Lewis Kaplan. Relax, Roberta Kaplan is not related to the judge. They totally don’t know each other.
Of course, both are Harvard graduates.
And both worked at the same law firm, Paul Weiss, for decades.
Judge Kaplan, 78, was named to the federal bench in 1994 by President Bill Clinton. A graduate of the University of Rochester and Harvard Law School, he later became a partner at the law firm Paul Weiss in New York.
Interestingly, Judge Kaplan once presided over another Epstein-island adjacent man, Prince Andrew.
I wonder if he asked him if he knows Reid Hoffman.
The Bad News
The Right has no answer to legal nuclear weapons like Roberta Kaplan on the left.
No answer to the endless lineup of Epstein-adjacent billionaires to fund legal defense funds with infinte budgets to nail their political enemies.
No answer to Harvard judges like Lewis Kaplan, who can be a lifetime Dem donor and still be allowed to preside over his arch political nemesis.
Republicans and conservatives are proven guilty before the ever enter a courtroom, based on what Zip code the court room is in. A trial’s verdict can be predicted with 100% accuracy if you can deduce who each juror voted for in 2020. 100%.
Where is Trump’s, or Daniel Penny’s, or any of the Regime’s current political prisoner’s, massive legal defense team? Where are the corpulent billionaire who are ready to write checks with many, many zeroes in a conservative’s defense?
This is what we are up against. We are bringing snowballs to a gun fight. They have legions of Harvard lawyers and fanatical staffers who can respawn endlessly. We send our smart kids to trade school; they send their kids to law school.
We are fighting a war with no army, no supply lines, no generals, and no plan to win on this battleground.
Even More Bad News
Brace yourself: Carroll is writing a romance novel with Mary Trump.
I wonder if she’ll name one of the characters after her cat?
—Peachy
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Brilliant recasting. E Jean and our justice system are grotesque. Perhaps the only thing we have is karma. E Jean is a twice divorced spinster with no kids and lots of hungry cats to feed...
My favorite line from the witty article:
"I don’t have to tell you she’s (the lawyer's) a lesbian. She looks like she fell off the shelf at the Elena Kagan store. "