Get Ready With Me for a Media Blitzkreig
In Which Me and My Buccal Fat Face the Nation [FREE POST]
Fox News, Prager U, Libs of TikTok, and The Blaze, Oh My
The brand-new paperback edition of my book, Domestic Extremist, comes out April 2. You can and should pre-order it this second!
For this version they put Tucker’s blurb right on the front cover. Thanks again, Tucker.
Having a book for sale requires you to do crazy things, and I am not talking about the insanity of locking yourself in a room until you write it.
You have to make the circuit. Do interviews. Appear.
I try to say yes to as many requests as I can, even though I naturally shirk from cameras. Until recently, I also had intense stage fright, which is now cured. (Life hack: If you have stage fright, literally the only way to overcome it is to get on a stage of some kind. If you have to, you can take a low dose of propanolol, which is a beta blocker that keeps you from totally freaking out, but you won’t need any if you do it a lot. Being free of stage fright feels good!)
Last week was a media blitzkrieg. First, I appeared on Fox News: Trace Gallagher’s show, which airs here in L.A. at 8 PM. This was like my fifth time doing his show. (No, I don’t get paid for these appearances.)
The best part about doing his show is that it’s in L.A., and you get to be on set with him. You don’t have to appear via Zoom or Skype at my dumb desk at home, or sit in a remote van on your driveway while the neighbors stare and your dogs bark.
Trace is literally the nicest guy in the world and he makes it easy to do this, but I’m not a natural “TV person.” One does not become a writer because one craves the spotlight. I prefer a quiet, dark room with no windows or mirrors, frankly.
He very generously introduced me as “one of our great writers” and spent half our segment reading various clips from my articles, to the delight of my mother. Thanks to Trace, my mother thinks I’ve finally managed to make something of myself.
The next day, I went to Prager Studios at an undisclosed location to shoot another video for Prager U. Did you see my first one? Kids got a kick out of this:
My new video for Prager U is a round table discussion with me and two extremely based ladies: Prager U’s glamorous CEO Marissa Streit, and the most feared woman on the Internet: Chaya Raichik of Libs of TikTok.
As soon as we were done yapping, Chaya did something really crazy.
She left to go meet her arch-nemesis Taylor Lorenz, which became its own viral video.
Chaya is a warrior. Young and soft spoken, she told us how she was never political before she went online during Covid. She’s not doing it for clicks—she’s adamant that kids not get on TikTok and she even worked on the campaign to get TikTok banned. I told her that the only crime she’s committing is the same one you and I are also guilty of: noticing the things the Left doesn’t want you to notice.
For good measure I made my long awaited appearance on my friend
’s show on Blaze TV. Watch it right here:And finally, I wrote a new essay for The Federalist on America’s favorite, most racist AI overlord:
Then I washed off my makeup, thanked my buccal fat for its service, and took a nap.
Aging Poorly
What is buccal fat, you ask? Buccal fat removal is the hottest trend in L.A. This is fat you store in your cheeks, as the Buc-ee’s squirrel** demonstrates. In his case, it’s probably nuts.
**[Ed.: Some readers have informed me that the Buc-ee critter is a beaver. I had no idea! Thank you for enlightening this coastal elitist. I stand corrected. - PK]
It feels like every female in L.A. has had this procedure, but the cheeks I inherited from my grandmother are still intact. I am, for now, clinging reluctantly to my buccal fat pads.
But the more “media appearances” I do and the older I get the more I am tempted by the dark side.
I can’t help it. The cameras at Prager U add about 300 pounds to my face and body. Maybe they used the Amy Schumer filter on me. You have been warned!
I told my husband immediately after the taping that I need to have my buccal fat removed, but it didn’t go over well. Bless his heart, he still likes my face.
Ladies, get you a man who looks at you the way I look at buccal fat before and after videos on Instagram.
Sometimes I imagine what I’d look like with the chiseled cheeks of a buccal-free woman. Cheeks so hollow a house finch could build a nest in them.
Just look at those shadows:
Buccal fat removal does look weird on pin thin Hollywood anorexics, but maybe on someone like me with cheek fat to spare it would look cute? After all, I have resisted all other L.A. beauty trends, like lip filler and hair extensions, liposuction and boob jobs.
Alas, my husband told me I’d have to choose between him and my buccal fat surgeon.
What kind of husbosexual would I be if I chose selfish vanity over true love?
Vanity and old age do not go together. It’s a very dangerous combination that produces uncanny visages like Madonna’s.
The Gift of the Magi is vanity with nothing much to be vain about. Imagine, being vain at my age, after having five kids.
Plus, I told myself I would give up vanity for Lent.
But it’s not so much vanity as a realization that the scythe of time approacheth. Slowly it dawns on you that your window for looking like a million bucks has closed, forever. The most you can hope for is to look like a few thousand bucks, maybe, on a good day.
I try to tell myself, it’s over, Peachy. Give it up. The time for looking cute has come and gone, and that’s okay. No one cares what you look like when you’re a few years away from true middle age.
Still, aging hurts. And the most beautiful women in the world are hardest hit:
The Female Midlife Crisis: Find a Surgeon, Or Find Polyamory
Is this what a midlife crisis feels like? If so, what’s the cure, if not surgery? Maybe I should dabble in a little polyamory, like the New York Times is always telling women like me to?
I wrote about the mid-life crisis among middle aged women a couple weeks ago:
Even The New Yorker (!!) is getting in on the polyamory craze. I swear I can hear Harold Ross spinning in his coffin.
Or maybe I should lean into the trad life and start baking my own organic corn flakes, like 22 year-old trad wife extraordinaire Nara Smith, a model married to a male model, who, when her toddlers tell her they want grilled cheese for lunch, gets right to work… making dough to bake fresh bread….and the homemade cheese to go with it:
You mean you don’t make homemade cheese for your toddler’s lunch? Pathetic.
Mrs. Smith’s TikToks are an incredible artifact. I like the one where she wakes up on their anniversary and makes bagels from scratch, and cream cheese from scratch, while wearing a black silk negligee that never gets a smudge.
I swear if all I ate was homemade bread and cheese, I would still not look like her.
Whatever’s going on with me, I think my best bet is just to post through it.
That’s about the only thing I have left.
I wonder if Nara Smith still has her buccal fat.
Thanks for reading!
—Peachy
These women's faces are now as hollow as their souls. First it was fillers to smooth out the wrinkles, but that made everyone's face look bloated. Now they have to remove the buccal fat to undo the puffiness from the fillers they stuck in there. It's a never-ending cycle. They're all going to end up looking like Madonna. Or Cher. Or Priscilla Presley. Will their grand babies want hugs from the Crypt Keeper or will they run screaming from these monstrous nightmare women?
Vanity is one of the 7 deadly sins for a reason.
Every time I look in the mirror and I'm remotely tempted, I ask myself what message I would be sending my daughter if I began surgically interfering in my aging process. Would I want that for her? Is that a legacy I'd want to introduce to the future generations of my bloodline? It certainly wasn't handed down to me.
Is it any surprise that mothers who think nothing of injecting botulinum toxin *into their freaking faces* and getting so much filler in their lips that they look more like deranged ducks than women at all, would have children who believe they're in the wrong body and all the solutions are just a scalpel away? FTR... all of Megan Fox's kids think they're trans. I wouldn't trade places with her for anything in the world.
Stay you, Peachy. You're perfect just the way you are ❤️
I lost mine the natural way…when you hit your sixties you will very much miss your buccal fat and be horrified about what the heck is happening to your neck!