Football is Gay

The Groundhog Said We're Getting Six More Weeks of Taylor

Area man ready to end it all if he has to hear one more take from his 80 yo father-in-law about T*yl*r Sw*ft

Happy Super Bowl Sunday! Current odds have the Chiefs losing to the 49ers, but does anyone even care who wins anymore?

This morning, Americans will wake up, hear Shake It Off on the radio at 6:59 AM, again, and brace themselves to endure Day 348,980,000 of discourse about a blonde pop star and her very tight end.

But it’s okay. We survived Barbenheimer. We can survive Taylorgeddon.

I understand why everyone’s gone crazy. Nothing’s been the same in professional athletics since Tom and Gisele broke up, and then Kobe died. It’s been ugly.

Tom and Gisele were America’s original crossover glamour-and-gridiron couple: the handsome winning quarterback and the number one supermodel on Earth.

We’ve never healed from their divorce.

2019, but it feels like a lifetime ago.

That was 2019. In 2024, football is gay.

In 2024, we even got a new Gisele.

Mrs. Mahomes, wife to the Chiefs quarterback.

Therefore I am urging calm today, no matter what happens. If you start getting mad, chug one Bud Light every hour to lower your testosterone levels fast.

The Football to Baby Boom Pipeline?

If you read my Substack post from last October (!) about the looming potential and risk posed by the most famous millennial in the world finally settling down—with a large, beefy white male, no less—you would have been prepared for what was about to be unleashed. You can read it now, here:

I have also been working tirelessly to sooth panic that Swift is a deep state operative sent to sink the Trump campaign with an endorsement of Biden. Famous athletes have always dated starlets and influencers and hot chicks. Not one with a fan base of millions, true, but it’s hardly a new thing.

Forthwith, here is the definitive fake news debunking:

1. They are not gay.

2. It’s not a “fake” relationship.

3. Yes, Kelce is fame hungry. Show me a single living celebrity who isn’t.

4. Yes, she is a basic B Democrat. Show me a single cat-owning millenial white women who isn’t.

5. It is not shocking that a celebrity athlete would be interested in a cute blonde billionairesss GF.

6. Of course the Dems want to harness her firepower to win the female vote. They always try to capture big Hollywood endorsements, tale as old as time. (Katy Perry, etc.)

7. If this match ends up in some sort of actual marriage, babies, etc., it is 100% good for the natalists, the trads, and the TFR alarmists. (I belong to all three).

8. Attempting to outflank the Taylor Swarm from the Right and crush it is both a fool’s errand and a suicide mission. She is America’s 30-Something Sweetheart, for better or worse, and to deny it is cope. Read

   Mary Harrington
   on the “swarm” for more.

Therefore, there is only one path for you, natural Taylor Resistor, to take. None can resist the Swiftnami, so stop struggling. Lock in.

Let yourself sink beneath its silken, sequined waves. Wave the beddazled flag of surrender!