As far as heat goes, I’ve had worse. But only once, and it was coming from the insane BLM-New York Times white-hating Left.
This heat’s coming from our side! Today, I got absolutely eviscerated on X for my hot calendar takes—more about that in a moment. Allow me to say that a significant part of the normiecon/boomer coomer consoomer audience is strongly, even fanatically opposed to any attempt to de-cringe-ify the Right.
You will have to pry cringe media out of their cold, dead hands, and probably die in the process as they run you down in their Villages golf cart that’s decorated with loofahs and flamingos, then reverse back over your bleeding corpse for good measure.
After the Dylan Mulvaney Bud Light fiasco, a guy who calls himself Conservative Dad online (real name Seth Weathers) started selling a “non woke” beer called “Ultra Right beer.”
I assumed there were a lot of other people who are tired of brands marketing themselves with flags and patriotism to a “nonwoke” conservative audience. I guess not! People LOVE Ultra Right beer. It’s the Beer of Real Conservatives.
If you don’t drink this beer, your children will be trans. If you don’t drink this beer, your children will join Hamas and go to Harvard!
In a genius marketing move to promote the brand, Conservative Dad did a (satire?) pin-up calendar starring the Real Housewives of the Right. As my penance for making fun of this enterprise, this Substack is happy to drive more traffic to his website. Please, go there and try this beer for yourself.
But if you, like I did, dare to make fun of Ultra Right Wing Mega Maga Beer, you will get drowned in a bathtub full of it, the way King Richard drowned his brother in a vat of wine in the Tower.
The Ultra Right calendar features some extremely buff, attractive older women lifting weights and toting rifles, sticking out their gyatts for the rizzler—and some much younger, blonder ones in bikinis and lingerie, peering suggestively at the camera.
Production values, pretty studio makeup, flattering lighting—those are woke so they weren’t allowed, apparently. Sexy but tasteful outfits, appealing set design, sensuous femininity, non-ridiculous product placement—also coded woke and therefore not bothered with. Were these photos shot at Customs in JFK?
This thing looks like it was was art directed by Vince McMahon and photographed under overhead fluorescent tube lights.
The biggest mistake by “conservative” media is, again, always: lack of taste.
“Nonwoke” has become a sad euphemism for “cheap and tacky.” Do better if you want to save the country!
Ladies: It’s Not You, It’s Me
I didn’t have much of a reaction other than to laugh at all of this until I noticed that anti-trans superstar influencer Riley Gaines was the cover bikini model. She’s a swimmer, so she’s at the pool, get it? Blonde, slender, athletic, toned—she’s a natural model. And her photos are PG rated, even less softcore-porn coded than some of the others.
But something about her pose with her back arched like that made me wonder: isn’t she trying to position herself as this role model for young women? Someone who got famous because she didn’t want to be ogled by men? (I forgot the cardinal rule of poasting, which is: never, ever point out hypocrisy.)
Riley is an All-American college athlete who can command huge audiences and shame leftwing members of Congress with her quickwitted-ness.
I saw her speak live at a conservative gala a few weeks ago (she was fully clothed)—and she’s very impressive. 23 years old and able to deliver a glib, bold speech with no notes. I could never have done that at her age. I can barely do it now!
My kneejerk reaction to seeing her calendar on my timeline yesterday? I tweeted this and it triggered All Of America. My bad.
1.1 million views!
There are many reasons I reacted like this to the calendar, but the first one was: this looks like it’s being marketed to conservative dads. Ew! And isn’t she married? More ew. Ick, even.
Some pointed out to me that there is a tiny apostrophe in the word “Dad’s” in the tagline so therefore its not for ALL conservative dads because it refers only to Seth Weather’s alt name which is “Conservative Dad.”
Ah, got it. But that apostrophe is doing some pretty heavy lifting. (To make things worse, his URL is “conservativedads.com.”
But wait, there’s more:
Facts.
I can’t help it. This is what I find entertaining.
And now, here are some of my replies:
I never said they were “the same,” but hundreds of people really wanted to point this out to me.
Then I got a lot of rude comments. Conservative Dad fans who drink Ultra Right beer are pretty nasty!
Maybe if these Ultra Right beer drinking Riley Gaines fans knew how old I was they’d be a tiny bit more forgiving of my ancient carcass?
Eh, probably not.
Then I’ll see you in hell!
“You’re just jealous!” was a popular response. God bless your sweet souls for presuming I am young enough to envy young girls their youth!
I hate to even take that one on, but I’ll be honest: I am indeed guilty of the sin of envy sometimes, but I am far too old and married to be envious of younger girls. Don’t you people remember your Shakespeare?
Thou art thy mother's glass, and she in thee
Calls back the lovely April of her prime:
So thou through windows of thine age shall see
Despite of wrinkles this thy golden time.
But if thou live, remember'd not to be,
Die single, and thine image dies with thee.
Besides, like all published authors, the only people I’m jealous of are other, more successful writers. This is known. It’s what nature intended!
And that, kids, is how your mother became The Most Hated Woman on X This Week.
Well, only by married Real Conservative Dads who buy tacky, tasteless bikini calendars for their teenage boys to counteract the xenoestrogenic hormones in Ultra Right beer that are turning them into tr*nnies.
But don’t cry for me—I may have missed my chance to star in the next Conservative Dad’s Ultra Right Wing beer calendar, but I just learned I made the cover of Ultra Based Grandpa 2024. Hashtag winning!
Thanks for reading — and Happy New Year to everyone except my haters.
—Peachy
It is utterly astonishing that we have to explain why this is a bad thing to people who call themselves conservatives.
I am disappointed that Riley was a part of this calendar. We are all exasperated but we know what a real girl looks like, without the 80s era calendar. None of this is part of God’s plan, not the choosing of your gender, which is diabolical, not the gyatt or whatever photos. And peachy is neither fat or butter faced. I have seen her in plenty of interviews and they are way off. Someone has to state the obvious. We are fighting crazy with tacky.