A Modern Take on an Ancient Story Drowns in Its Own Pretensions
An Uncomplicated - and Blissfully Short- Movie Review
RIP Our Age of Bronze
I went in with a totally open mind, hoping for some old school movie entertainment. All those slobbering reviews, all the praise, how bad could it actually be?
Surprise: Bad. Shockingly, laughably bad.
And not because it was “woke.” That was, at worst, a minor nuisance.
No - it was bad for old-school movie reasons: atrocious writing. Some of the worst acting ever committed to the screen. Stilted dialogue. Inert. Even the “action” scenes were boring, clumsy. It had no narrative thread, zero tension, and worst crime of all, no characters to root for. Matt Damon and a bunch of NPCs you never get to know. Aw, his men got munched by another monster? Who cares!
They make Menalaus into an awful abusive husband -except they undercut his terrible character with his choice of wife. He may be a terrible guy, but he’s really cool about interracial romance- in fact he worships black women.
Why the bizarre wooden line delivery? It was like they were all on heavy anti-depressants. Ellen Page most of all--and did you notice they had to digitally lower her voice?
The Cyclops scene, I was told, was a highlight. But it lacked any tension, no one says anything. Where is the dialogue? When Polyphemous goes into the ocean, the special effect falls apart, and you can see its just a poor stunt man in a morph suit.
Worst of all, Odysseus comes across as stupid and bumbling. Charm and charisma free. I assumed the point of casting the affable Matt Damon is that he has a magical smile and a twinkle in his eye. But the light was gone from his eyes. There was no joy in his work.
And yes, the random DEI casting inserts are comically ridiculous, but you barely notice because the rest is such a shambles.
I feel like I just spent seven years in a Burning Man beach tent with Odysseus and his MILF pilates instructor microdosing mushrooms.
All the female characters are angry victims of men, and yet their revenge plots don’t hit. Circe instantly undoes her curse when Odysseus asks nicely. Hathaway compensates for her narrative paralysis by angrily spit talking into everyones faces.
Athena angrily shaking her head at Odysseus, disappointed in him again. What’s the ancient Greek word for Longhouse?
Finally, there is not a single second of comic relief, or anything to show that these characters aren’t robots.
And my goodness, what was that terrible “music”??
The only time anything cool happens on screen is when Agamemnon in full drip walks into frame. But then he delivers a flat line and vanishes.
Bizarre experience all around. Someone needs to start telling Christopher Nolan the magic word: “no.”
Grade: D-.
And I’m being generous.
What did you think? Do you agree? Let me know in the comments!
Thanks for reading!
—Peachy
My mom is in a wheelchair and my sister is disabled and both wanted to drive all the way to the movie theater to see it with me - which was a shock. My mom hasn't gone to the movies in at least a year, maybe longer. But about 15 minutes in, I was lost, and I knew she would be too. Both of them are left-leaning, had heard about the controversy, and wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Unfortunately, there is no coherent story. You can bring one in with you if you want or just be dazzled by the visual effects, but the story was, for me, incoherent.
Thank you.